Crossdressing 7 year old at gay bar

For many trans people, the most important and exciting part of transitioning is passing, or being perceived by the outside world as your gender identity. Often we spend our lives feeling and looking different from others, and we desperately want to get to the point where we can be in public without fear of harassment, to be comfortable and read as our true gender.

This can be a double edged sword: when we do pass, we may face different obstacles. And for some of us, that can mean using that passing privilege to advocate for the community and for ourselves. After being on hormones for 10 months, I took my first trip to visit my family in New Jersey for the holidays. My best friend and I used to frequent a bar called Feathers, known for being both a gay and lesbian bar.

Before coming out as transgender, I spent so many years as a member of the gay community, that it sometimes slips my mind that I no longer fit in there in the same way. At the door, I was given a discounted price for admission by the man sitting on the wooden stool, something that had never happened before.

Inside, we made our way to the bar.

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I ordered two beers, one for myself and one for my cis female friend. The bartender eyed me up and down and smiled. He handed us the beers and watched us move further down the bar. We started talking to some people when one of the girls in the group commented about my sexuality. She read me as a gay man. You just came to a gay bar with your friend for fun?

It felt bizarre to me that I was being seen as not belonging in this place that previously offered me so much belonging. This stung. I have always envisioned myself as a man, seeing myself in that way, and never considered myself to fit in the world as female. I remember, very specifically, the first time I met a transgender person.

At the time, I was dating a girl who went to Smith College, an all girls college. We had traveled from New York City to Northampton to visit her college and see some of her friends. We were meeting up with a group of people for brunch, when she pulled me aside. The phrasing of this conversation will never leave my mind because it was so awkward, so incorrect and so confusing.

I look back on the situation now and cringe. I cringe because I wish I had the knowledge to correct her. I cringe because I was so naive and uneducated, just as many still are. When this person, we will call him John, showed up to brunch he shook my hand and introduced himself. I felt like a little kid who embarrassed their parents in public.